It’s been a really rough week.

I was flying on such a high (and i mean it, I adored my first week on Instagram) I made connections with other people (yes, you! you beautiful people) I had conversations about my wife’s uterus and cervix with complete strangers (and my dentist). I was buzzing. Two and a half weeks ago we tried home insemination for the first time, the world was alive with possibility, wonderment and anticipation. Then it all came crashing down with 4 (yes 4) negative pregnancy tests and the ultimate buzz kill, her period, came on wednesday.

I lost all my positivity; every last drop. I could see no cause for jokes, humour or any merriment whatsoever and its been an absolute roller coaster of shitty emotions. Its not like me at all. I can usually see the flip side of most situations and I do have a resolve to keep chundering on but it was such a big fall from those lofty heights of two weeks ago. That’s the thing that’s shocked me the most and I should of used this time to reach out and keep expressing things because shutting down, and shutting up, were the worst things I could do. But guess what? I’m back! 🙂

You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing that we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down. -Mary Pickford

Chapter 1

I’d like to start by getting something off my chest with the following statement;

My name is Sarah and I’m trying to become a non-biological mother.

To some, I may appear like the one who has the easy end of the fertility stick. I’m not going to argue that my wonderful wife doesn’t have a LOT of added pressure; its her ovaries, her body, her cycles and cramps and vagina being poked, prodded and cajoled into a seemingly never ending Broadway show entitled “Get that speculum in there or so help me!” (picture jazz hands … or should that be jizz?…)

… BUT i’m the one who collects the pieces, tries to keep the level head, marches the band to the never ending positivity parade and I feel every twinge, cramp and body-blowing disappointment (and occasional elation!) WITH her. I am literally the one holding the wet end of the fertility stick (you learn from your mistakes!). I’m a very open person (too open? TMI) and its an obscure feeling to be “the support” and I want to connect, interact and SHARE our experiences. That’s why I decided to get on instagram and start this blog because that feeling of loneliness is real, and there are so many others that have been in a similar place.

There is a special place in hell reserved for women who don’t help other women. —Madeleine Albright